Hoping For What? My Own New Year.

be hopeful
 
I started an open letter to myself Dec 31st 2013, reflecting and biding the year goodbye, to get things started on a more positive note in 2014.  I did the same thing the year before and finished it in less than an hour; gif and all.  Unfortunately when it came time to let the words flow, hours before ringing in 2014, I just couldn’t do it.  I never finished that letter, and I haven’t touched it since.  I didn’t really know why I couldn’t just type away the year I had, and get excited like most people around me did. I’m guess it wasn’t my time to celebrate another year because I wouldn’t have meant it.
 March 5th, 2014,  I’m now typing this after bawling over the phone to my close friend about my frustrations.  Frustrated about pursuing my career in fashion, and not getting much in return.  Frustrated about not being able to afford living in this city while trying to figure out why I cannot find work with all the experience I have obtained throughout the years.  Frustrated that no matter how times I ask God to give me the strength to let it go and surrender this appetite, passion I have about fashion,  I still get up with that itch to create, research, illustrate, write, watch, and fill myself with any and everything this creative business has to offer.  At the end of each day, my obsession hasn’t  put a roof over my head, it didn’t pay my bills nor put food on my table.  It seems the more I fight against doing what comes naturally to me, the more fixated I become on not letting it go.  The tug of war this has become is eating me up, and before I knew it, I was sitting on the floor, like a little child, bawling to my friend during a long distance call. 
 There are friends who tell you want you want to hear, and there are those who will beat some sense into to you worse than your own mother. This particular friend verbally slapped me several times with her truth and wisdom, but at the end of it she said the words that got me to finally type my letter.  “Just be hopeful.  You don’t have to know what for now, but just be hopeful.”  
 Those words didn’t immediately stop the water works, but something did click inside me. The dark place in my head that has me feeling defeated or a ward of my own bad judgements, I need to avoid going there. Nothing good will come from it, and since God has seen it fit to have me be a part of this world in this day and age, I can just be hopeful and grateful to still be here to fight this inner war until one side wins. Cheers 
 Karlenn, thank you!

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